PRELOADING HAALAND 0/81

He is
coming.

A scroll-powered documentary about Erling Haaland.
Your scrolling makes him run. Stop scrolling and he stops.
Nobody has ever stopped scrolling.

SCROLL TO RELEASE HIM ▼
⚠ WARNING: SCROLLING FEEDS HIM  ·  ⚠ DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH FRAME 34  ·  ⚠ VAR CANNOT SAVE YOU  ·  ⚠ WARNING: SCROLLING FEEDS HIM  ·  ⚠ DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH FRAME 34  ·  ⚠ VAR CANNOT SAVE YOU  · 
RUN PROGRESS 0%
FRAME 001/081
he has noticed the scrolling.
every pixel of scroll makes him faster.
Stop.
Scrolling.

He is here.

You scrolled. He arrived. This is legally your fault now.

LIVE-ISH FEED
CAREER GOALS (APPROX.)
0
*we stopped counting for our own safety
goals scored since you opened this page: 0
he does not know you are watching. he scores anyway.

The evidence

compiled by the department of "no human does that"

EXHIBIT A · CASE FILE 009
Suspected photosynthesis

Subject consumes sunlight, raw energy, and the hopes of center-backs. Has been observed "recharging" in an ice bath while smiling. No human smiles in an ice bath.

EXHIBIT B · CASE FILE 023
"Human" paperwork filed suspiciously fast

Birth certificate lists "Leeds". Sure. And the 194cm frame that outruns wingers is just "genetics". The department remains unconvinced.

EXHIBIT C · CASE FILE 041
Defender therapy invoices

Premier League defenders' collective therapy bills have risen sharply since 2022. Correlation is not causation, but it is very funny.

Him vs you

TOP SPEED
HAALAND
36.2 km/h
YOU
bus is here
MINUTES PER GOAL
HAALAND
~85 min
YOU
∞ (career)
FEAR INDUCED IN DEFENDERS
HAALAND
100%
YOU
n/a